Funny One Liners

Why aren't fishmongers generous? Their business makes them selfish.

You Need Degas to Make De Van Gogh

Transvestites are men who like to eat, drink, and be Mary.

Bessie stopped giving milk the other day. She's an udder failure.

Adam met Eve and turned over a new leaf.

For people who like peace and quiet - a phoneless cord.

Bacon & eggs - Hens are involved but pigs are committed.

Streakers *repant* your end is in sight.

A backward poet writes inverse.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft, and I'll show you A flat minor.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

When an actress saw her first strands of grey hair, she thought she'd dye.

The poor guy fell into a glass grinding machine and made a spectacle of himself.

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

We shouldn't expect educators to be entertaining, or entertainers to be educational.

I'm starting to think that I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample, there was an olive was in it.

Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the Hell happened!

My Dad was a workaholic. Every time someone mentioned work, he got drunk.

Some people are going to leave a mark on this world...I'll probably leave a stain.

College is like a woman... You work so hard to get in, and nine months later you wish you'd never come.

A sign in a sperm bank reads, "Men, please take your hat and jacket off."

I was dating a Siamese twin for awhile, but as she got older I started dating her sister behind her back.

Before the new spaghetti factory could open, it had to pasta inspection.

Did you hear about the unruly circus driver? He refused to tow the lion.

Upon removing his boots at Waterloo, Napoleon could smell defeat.

Line from an old Western: Get off the cook stove, grandpa, you're too old to ride the range.

Biology is the only science where multiplication means the same thing as division.

I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain.

As I learn the innermost secrets of the people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.

When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit. But not nearly as gratifying.

The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.

All of me is beautiful and valuable, even the ugly, stupid, and disgusting parts.

I am at one with my duality.

I will strive to live each day as if it were my 70th birthday.

Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.

I honour and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.

Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so."

False hope is nicer than no hope at all.

A good scapegoat is more invited than a solution to the problem.

Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day watching TV. Instead I will move my TV into the bedroom.

Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?

The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working.

I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.

Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the next step - blaming my parents.

To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting.

Inside a bowling alley, "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."

The good news is Dear Abby and Dr. Laura have both approved sex for old people. The bad news is they expect us to have sex with other old people.

The golden years are really metallic years, gold in the tooth, silver in your hair and most of all, lead in the pants.

I'm suffering from Mallzheimer's disease. I go to the mall and forget where I parked my car.

I have found at my age going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of my face.

"Crime of passion" is a phrase that drives me crazy. A man murdering his girlfriend is not a crime of passion. Premature ejaculation - that's a crime of passion.

If you change your mind after a sex-change, are you dismissed?

Nude bathing is absolutely forbidden on Coney Island. No ifs, ands or butts.

Those who build roofs are so inclined.

Where does the dentist get his gas? At the filling station.

Sign on fence: As far as I'm concerned, you may cross this field for free, but the bull charges.

Schooner or later sailors engage in rudder nonsense.

He tried to get her to marry him to no a-veil.

Thieves who steal broccoli from a garden could be charged with stalking.

When I went to the dentist for some root canal work, I lost my nerve.

Said the potato: "I think therefore I yam."

I can't believe it happened. The other day I jogged backward and put on eight pounds!

Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor's office is full of portraits by Picasso.

I wish to you your life to be like toilet paper. Long and useful.

I hear that exercise kills germs. But how do you get the little buggers to exercise?

A bath is something you take when you find yourself in hot water.

Antiques are things one generation buys, the next generation gets rid off, and the following generation buys again.

The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

The wise never marry, and when they marry, they become otherwise.

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time." So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

I went to the cinema, and the prices were: Adults $5.00, children $2.50. So I said, "Give me two boys and a girl."

Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

Airline pilots make many friends in high places.

Schooner or later sailors engage in rudder nonsense.

A fight over love and money would be duel purpose.

Visitors to Cuba are usually Havana good time.

A night watchman is a man who earns his living without doing a day's work.

Source: Internet

God is Orderly

Our God is an Awesome God in the things we take for granted................

Always the same timing in the little things.

For example:

The eggs of the potato bug hatch in 7 days;

Those of the canary in 14 days;

Those of the barnyard hen in 21 days;

The eggs of ducks and geese hatch in 28 days;

Those of the mallard in 35 days;

The eggs of the parrot and the ostrich hatch in 42 days.

(Notice, they are all divisible by seven,

The number of days in a week!)

God's wisdom is seen in the making of an elephant...

The four legs of this great beast all bend forward in the same direction... No other quadruped is so made. Too large to live on two legs, God's plan gave it four fulcrums so that it can rise from the ground easily.

The horse rises from the ground on its two front legs first.

A cow rises from the ground with its two hind legs first.

Each one has its way to do what it does.

Whatever the Lord makes is always very efficient.

He is a God of ORDER.

Each watermelon has an even number of stripes on the rind.

Each orange has an even number of segments.

Each ear of corn has an even number of rows.

Each stalk of wheat has an even number of grains.

Every bunch of bananas grows with an even number of bananas on the bottom row. Each row up decreases by one. The next row has an odd number and the next row an even number and so forth. It never varies.

The waves of the sea roll in on shore twenty-six waves to the minute, no matter if calm or stormy.

All grains are found in even numbers on the stalks, just as the Lord specified: thirty-fold, sixty-fold, and a hundredfold! (Mark 4:20)

God has caused the flowers to blossom at specified times during the day. Linnaeus, the great botanist, once said that if he had a conservatory containing the right kind of soil, moisture and temperature, he could tell the time of day or night by the flowers that were open and those that were closed!

If everything on this earth were analyzed in this way, we would SEE the Lord in it, every bit of it!

When we let our lives be ordered by Him, He can make ALL the things work out for us, things that we can't. Wisdom prays and asks Him for help, to make our life "WORK".

The One Who made our brain and heart is also able to successfully guide us to a profitable end.

May God Bless You In Ways You Never Even Dreamed of,

Today, Tomorrow and all the Tomorrows to Come!

Source: Internet

Aging

Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, ...it doesn't matter. Mark Twain

Age only matters if you're cheese.

Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.

God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway... The good fortune to run into the ones I do... And the eyesight to tell the difference!

Source: Internet

Another Inspiring Thought..,

It's true that we don't know

What we've got until it's gone,

But it's also true that we don't know

What we've been missing until it arrives..

Source: Internet

Seeds Of Kindness

Scatter seeds of kindness everywhere you go;

Scatter bits of courtesy and watch them grow and grow.

Gather buds of friendship; Keep them till full-blown;

You will find more happiness than you have ever known.

Source: Internet

Senior Party Games

Sag, You're it

Pin the Toupee on the bald guy

Kick the bucket

Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over

Simon says something incoherent

Spin the Bottle of Mylanta

Musical recliners

20 questions shouted into your good ear.

Source: Email

Ten Advantages Of Growing Older

1. Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.

2. Kidnappers ignore you.

3. Sexual harassment charges against you just don't stick.

4. People no longer think you're a hypochondriac.

5. Your secrets are now safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

6. Your eyes won't get much worse.

7. You're no longer expected to run into a burning building.

8. Whatever you buy now won't wear out.

9. In a hostage situation, you're likely to be released first.

10. There's nothing left to learn the hard way.

Source: Internet