Funny One Liners

Why aren't fishmongers generous? Their business makes them selfish.

You Need Degas to Make De Van Gogh

Transvestites are men who like to eat, drink, and be Mary.

Bessie stopped giving milk the other day. She's an udder failure.

Adam met Eve and turned over a new leaf.

For people who like peace and quiet - a phoneless cord.

Bacon & eggs - Hens are involved but pigs are committed.

Streakers *repant* your end is in sight.

A backward poet writes inverse.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft, and I'll show you A flat minor.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

When an actress saw her first strands of grey hair, she thought she'd dye.

The poor guy fell into a glass grinding machine and made a spectacle of himself.

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

We shouldn't expect educators to be entertaining, or entertainers to be educational.

I'm starting to think that I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample, there was an olive was in it.

Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the Hell happened!

My Dad was a workaholic. Every time someone mentioned work, he got drunk.

Some people are going to leave a mark on this world...I'll probably leave a stain.

College is like a woman... You work so hard to get in, and nine months later you wish you'd never come.

A sign in a sperm bank reads, "Men, please take your hat and jacket off."

I was dating a Siamese twin for awhile, but as she got older I started dating her sister behind her back.

Before the new spaghetti factory could open, it had to pasta inspection.

Did you hear about the unruly circus driver? He refused to tow the lion.

Upon removing his boots at Waterloo, Napoleon could smell defeat.

Line from an old Western: Get off the cook stove, grandpa, you're too old to ride the range.

Biology is the only science where multiplication means the same thing as division.

I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain.

As I learn the innermost secrets of the people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.

When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit. But not nearly as gratifying.

The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.

All of me is beautiful and valuable, even the ugly, stupid, and disgusting parts.

I am at one with my duality.

I will strive to live each day as if it were my 70th birthday.

Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.

I honour and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.

Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so."

False hope is nicer than no hope at all.

A good scapegoat is more invited than a solution to the problem.

Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day watching TV. Instead I will move my TV into the bedroom.

Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?

The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working.

I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.

Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the next step - blaming my parents.

To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting.

Inside a bowling alley, "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."

The good news is Dear Abby and Dr. Laura have both approved sex for old people. The bad news is they expect us to have sex with other old people.

The golden years are really metallic years, gold in the tooth, silver in your hair and most of all, lead in the pants.

I'm suffering from Mallzheimer's disease. I go to the mall and forget where I parked my car.

I have found at my age going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of my face.

"Crime of passion" is a phrase that drives me crazy. A man murdering his girlfriend is not a crime of passion. Premature ejaculation - that's a crime of passion.

If you change your mind after a sex-change, are you dismissed?

Nude bathing is absolutely forbidden on Coney Island. No ifs, ands or butts.

Those who build roofs are so inclined.

Where does the dentist get his gas? At the filling station.

Sign on fence: As far as I'm concerned, you may cross this field for free, but the bull charges.

Schooner or later sailors engage in rudder nonsense.

He tried to get her to marry him to no a-veil.

Thieves who steal broccoli from a garden could be charged with stalking.

When I went to the dentist for some root canal work, I lost my nerve.

Said the potato: "I think therefore I yam."

I can't believe it happened. The other day I jogged backward and put on eight pounds!

Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor's office is full of portraits by Picasso.

I wish to you your life to be like toilet paper. Long and useful.

I hear that exercise kills germs. But how do you get the little buggers to exercise?

A bath is something you take when you find yourself in hot water.

Antiques are things one generation buys, the next generation gets rid off, and the following generation buys again.

The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

The wise never marry, and when they marry, they become otherwise.

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time." So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

I went to the cinema, and the prices were: Adults $5.00, children $2.50. So I said, "Give me two boys and a girl."

Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

Airline pilots make many friends in high places.

Schooner or later sailors engage in rudder nonsense.

A fight over love and money would be duel purpose.

Visitors to Cuba are usually Havana good time.

A night watchman is a man who earns his living without doing a day's work.

Source: Internet