Why aren't fishmongers generous? Their business makes them selfish.
You Need Degas to Make De Van Gogh
Transvestites are men who like to eat, drink, and be Mary.
Bessie stopped giving milk the other day. She's an udder failure.
Adam met Eve and turned over a new leaf.
For people who like peace and quiet - a phoneless cord.
Bacon & eggs - Hens are involved but pigs are committed.
Streakers *repant* your end is in sight.
A backward poet writes inverse.
Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft, and I'll show you A flat minor.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
When an actress saw her first strands of grey hair, she thought she'd dye.
The poor guy fell into a glass grinding machine and made a spectacle of himself.
I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
We shouldn't expect educators to be entertaining, or entertainers to be educational.
I'm starting to think that I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample, there was an olive was in it.
Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the Hell happened!
My Dad was a workaholic. Every time someone mentioned work, he got drunk.
Some people are going to leave a mark on this world...I'll probably leave a stain.
College is like a woman... You work so hard to get in, and nine months later you wish you'd never come.
A sign in a sperm bank reads, "Men, please take your hat and jacket off."
I was dating a Siamese twin for awhile, but as she got older I started dating her sister behind her back.
Before the new spaghetti factory could open, it had to pasta inspection.
Did you hear about the unruly circus driver? He refused to tow the lion.
Upon removing his boots at Waterloo, Napoleon could smell defeat.
Line from an old Western: Get off the cook stove, grandpa, you're too old to ride the range.
Biology is the only science where multiplication means the same thing as division.
I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain.
As I learn the innermost secrets of the people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.
When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit. But not nearly as gratifying.
The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.
All of me is beautiful and valuable, even the ugly, stupid, and disgusting parts.
I am at one with my duality.
I will strive to live each day as if it were my 70th birthday.
Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.
I honour and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.
Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so."
False hope is nicer than no hope at all.
A good scapegoat is more invited than a solution to the problem.
Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day watching TV. Instead I will move my TV into the bedroom.
Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?
The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working.
I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.
Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the next step - blaming my parents.
To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting.
Inside a bowling alley, "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."
The good news is Dear Abby and Dr. Laura have both approved sex for old people. The bad news is they expect us to have sex with other old people.
The golden years are really metallic years, gold in the tooth, silver in your hair and most of all, lead in the pants.
I'm suffering from Mallzheimer's disease. I go to the mall and forget where I parked my car.
I have found at my age going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of my face.
"Crime of passion" is a phrase that drives me crazy. A man murdering his girlfriend is not a crime of passion. Premature ejaculation - that's a crime of passion.
If you change your mind after a sex-change, are you dismissed?
Nude bathing is absolutely forbidden on Coney Island. No ifs, ands or butts.
Those who build roofs are so inclined.
Where does the dentist get his gas? At the filling station.
Sign on fence: As far as I'm concerned, you may cross this field for free, but the bull charges.
Schooner or later sailors engage in rudder nonsense.
He tried to get her to marry him to no a-veil.
Thieves who steal broccoli from a garden could be charged with stalking.
When I went to the dentist for some root canal work, I lost my nerve.
Said the potato: "I think therefore I yam."
I can't believe it happened. The other day I jogged backward and put on eight pounds!
Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor's office is full of portraits by Picasso.
I wish to you your life to be like toilet paper. Long and useful.
I hear that exercise kills germs. But how do you get the little buggers to exercise?
A bath is something you take when you find yourself in hot water.
Antiques are things one generation buys, the next generation gets rid off, and the following generation buys again.
The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
The wise never marry, and when they marry, they become otherwise.
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time." So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
I went to the cinema, and the prices were: Adults $5.00, children $2.50. So I said, "Give me two boys and a girl."
Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
Airline pilots make many friends in high places.
Schooner or later sailors engage in rudder nonsense.
A fight over love and money would be duel purpose.
Visitors to Cuba are usually Havana good time.
A night watchman is a man who earns his living without doing a day's work.
Source: Internet
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
God is Orderly
Our God is an Awesome God in the things we take for granted................
Always the same timing in the little things.
For example:
The eggs of the potato bug hatch in 7 days;
Those of the canary in 14 days;
Those of the barnyard hen in 21 days;
The eggs of ducks and geese hatch in 28 days;
Those of the mallard in 35 days;
The eggs of the parrot and the ostrich hatch in 42 days.
(Notice, they are all divisible by seven,
The number of days in a week!)
God's wisdom is seen in the making of an elephant...
The four legs of this great beast all bend forward in the same direction... No other quadruped is so made. Too large to live on two legs, God's plan gave it four fulcrums so that it can rise from the ground easily.
The horse rises from the ground on its two front legs first.
A cow rises from the ground with its two hind legs first.
Each one has its way to do what it does.
Whatever the Lord makes is always very efficient.
He is a God of ORDER.
Each watermelon has an even number of stripes on the rind.
Each orange has an even number of segments.
Each ear of corn has an even number of rows.
Each stalk of wheat has an even number of grains.
Every bunch of bananas grows with an even number of bananas on the bottom row. Each row up decreases by one. The next row has an odd number and the next row an even number and so forth. It never varies.
The waves of the sea roll in on shore twenty-six waves to the minute, no matter if calm or stormy.
All grains are found in even numbers on the stalks, just as the Lord specified: thirty-fold, sixty-fold, and a hundredfold! (Mark 4:20)
God has caused the flowers to blossom at specified times during the day. Linnaeus, the great botanist, once said that if he had a conservatory containing the right kind of soil, moisture and temperature, he could tell the time of day or night by the flowers that were open and those that were closed!
If everything on this earth were analyzed in this way, we would SEE the Lord in it, every bit of it!
When we let our lives be ordered by Him, He can make ALL the things work out for us, things that we can't. Wisdom prays and asks Him for help, to make our life "WORK".
The One Who made our brain and heart is also able to successfully guide us to a profitable end.
May God Bless You In Ways You Never Even Dreamed of,
Today, Tomorrow and all the Tomorrows to Come!
Source: Internet
Always the same timing in the little things.
For example:
The eggs of the potato bug hatch in 7 days;
Those of the canary in 14 days;
Those of the barnyard hen in 21 days;
The eggs of ducks and geese hatch in 28 days;
Those of the mallard in 35 days;
The eggs of the parrot and the ostrich hatch in 42 days.
(Notice, they are all divisible by seven,
The number of days in a week!)
God's wisdom is seen in the making of an elephant...
The four legs of this great beast all bend forward in the same direction... No other quadruped is so made. Too large to live on two legs, God's plan gave it four fulcrums so that it can rise from the ground easily.
The horse rises from the ground on its two front legs first.
A cow rises from the ground with its two hind legs first.
Each one has its way to do what it does.
Whatever the Lord makes is always very efficient.
He is a God of ORDER.
Each watermelon has an even number of stripes on the rind.
Each orange has an even number of segments.
Each ear of corn has an even number of rows.
Each stalk of wheat has an even number of grains.
Every bunch of bananas grows with an even number of bananas on the bottom row. Each row up decreases by one. The next row has an odd number and the next row an even number and so forth. It never varies.
The waves of the sea roll in on shore twenty-six waves to the minute, no matter if calm or stormy.
All grains are found in even numbers on the stalks, just as the Lord specified: thirty-fold, sixty-fold, and a hundredfold! (Mark 4:20)
God has caused the flowers to blossom at specified times during the day. Linnaeus, the great botanist, once said that if he had a conservatory containing the right kind of soil, moisture and temperature, he could tell the time of day or night by the flowers that were open and those that were closed!
If everything on this earth were analyzed in this way, we would SEE the Lord in it, every bit of it!
When we let our lives be ordered by Him, He can make ALL the things work out for us, things that we can't. Wisdom prays and asks Him for help, to make our life "WORK".
The One Who made our brain and heart is also able to successfully guide us to a profitable end.
May God Bless You In Ways You Never Even Dreamed of,
Today, Tomorrow and all the Tomorrows to Come!
Source: Internet
Thursday, July 19, 2012
Aging
Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, ...it doesn't matter. Mark Twain
Age only matters if you're cheese.
Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway... The good fortune to run into the ones I do... And the eyesight to tell the difference!
Source: Internet
Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, ...it doesn't matter. Mark Twain
Age only matters if you're cheese.
Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway... The good fortune to run into the ones I do... And the eyesight to tell the difference!
Source: Internet
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
Another Inspiring Thought..,
It's true that we don't know
What we've got until it's gone,
But it's also true that we don't know
What we've been missing until it arrives..
Source: Internet
What we've got until it's gone,
But it's also true that we don't know
What we've been missing until it arrives..
Source: Internet
Monday, July 16, 2012
Seeds Of Kindness
Scatter seeds of kindness everywhere you go;
Scatter bits of courtesy and watch them grow and grow.
Gather buds of friendship; Keep them till full-blown;
You will find more happiness than you have ever known.
Source: Internet
Scatter bits of courtesy and watch them grow and grow.
Gather buds of friendship; Keep them till full-blown;
You will find more happiness than you have ever known.
Source: Internet
Friday, July 13, 2012
Senior Party Games
Sag, You're it
Pin the Toupee on the bald guy
Kick the bucket
Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over
Simon says something incoherent
Spin the Bottle of Mylanta
Musical recliners
20 questions shouted into your good ear.
Source: Email
Pin the Toupee on the bald guy
Kick the bucket
Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over
Simon says something incoherent
Spin the Bottle of Mylanta
Musical recliners
20 questions shouted into your good ear.
Source: Email
Ten Advantages Of Growing Older
1. Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.
2. Kidnappers ignore you.
3. Sexual harassment charges against you just don't stick.
4. People no longer think you're a hypochondriac.
5. Your secrets are now safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
6. Your eyes won't get much worse.
7. You're no longer expected to run into a burning building.
8. Whatever you buy now won't wear out.
9. In a hostage situation, you're likely to be released first.
10. There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
Source: Internet
2. Kidnappers ignore you.
3. Sexual harassment charges against you just don't stick.
4. People no longer think you're a hypochondriac.
5. Your secrets are now safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
6. Your eyes won't get much worse.
7. You're no longer expected to run into a burning building.
8. Whatever you buy now won't wear out.
9. In a hostage situation, you're likely to be released first.
10. There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
Source: Internet
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
Monday, July 9, 2012
It's So Hot!!
It's so HOT....the nation is under a "heat dome" we have plenty of shade under our 14 trillion dollar debt ceiling.
It's so HOT....Somewhere in the US a corn stalk turns into popcorn.
It's so HOT....It's so hot that it makes me want to take off my skin and sit in my bones.
It's so HOT....It was so hot today I saw an Amish guy buying an air conditioner.
It's so HOT....Its so hot I burn my tongue telling it.
It's so HOT....It's so hot that I have found out (the hard way) that my seat belt buckle could be used as a branding iron.
It's so HOT....I saw a dog chasing a cat and they were both walkin'.
Source: Internet
It's so HOT....Somewhere in the US a corn stalk turns into popcorn.
It's so HOT....It's so hot that it makes me want to take off my skin and sit in my bones.
It's so HOT....It was so hot today I saw an Amish guy buying an air conditioner.
It's so HOT....Its so hot I burn my tongue telling it.
It's so HOT....It's so hot that I have found out (the hard way) that my seat belt buckle could be used as a branding iron.
It's so HOT....I saw a dog chasing a cat and they were both walkin'.
Source: Internet
Thursday, July 5, 2012
Remember to Forget
Always remember to forget
The things that made you sad.
But never forget to remember
The things that made you glad.
Always remember to forget
The friends that proved untrue.
But never forget to remember
Those that have stuck by you.
Always remember to forget
The troubles that passed away.
But never forget to remember
The blessings that come each day.
Author unknown
There could be no rainbow without a little rain.
Source: Internet
The things that made you sad.
But never forget to remember
The things that made you glad.
Always remember to forget
The friends that proved untrue.
But never forget to remember
Those that have stuck by you.
Always remember to forget
The troubles that passed away.
But never forget to remember
The blessings that come each day.
Author unknown
There could be no rainbow without a little rain.
Source: Internet
Today
I've shut the door on yesterday,
Its sorrows and mistakes,
I've locked within its gloomy walls
Past failures and heartaches.
And now I throw the key away
To seek another room,
And furnish it with hope and smiles
And every springtime bloom.
No thought shall enter this abode
That has a hint of pain,
All worry, malice and distrust
Shall never therein reign.
I've shut the door on Yesterday
And thrown the key away -
The Future holds no doubt for me,
Since I have found Today!
Source: Internet
Its sorrows and mistakes,
I've locked within its gloomy walls
Past failures and heartaches.
And now I throw the key away
To seek another room,
And furnish it with hope and smiles
And every springtime bloom.
No thought shall enter this abode
That has a hint of pain,
All worry, malice and distrust
Shall never therein reign.
I've shut the door on Yesterday
And thrown the key away -
The Future holds no doubt for me,
Since I have found Today!
Source: Internet
Random Thoughts
1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
2. Nothing hurts more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the heck are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Mapquest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.
13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this -- ever.
15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Darn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
18.My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the heck do I respond to that?
19. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
20. Friends are like four leaf clovers, hard to find, lucky to have.
21. "If we ever forget that we are one nation under God, then we will be a nation gone under."- Ronald Reagan
22. A fool thinks himself to be wise, but a wise man knows himself to be a fool.
--William Shakespeare
23. If you are ashamed to stand by your colors, you had better seek another flag. -- Author Unknown
24. I like to see a man proud of the place in which he lives. I like to see a man live so that his place will be proud of him. ---Abraham Lincoln
25. "The government is best which governs least." - Thomas Paine
26. "The heart is to the body, as the family is to the soul." ~ Rick Beneteau
27. Our families are the safety net that catches us when we fall. They are our sanctuary in a storm. They are the beacon showing us the way home when we're lost."
~ Linda Offenheiser
28. "So much of what is great has sprung from the closeness of family ties." Sir Thomas M. Barrie
29. "'Mid pleasures and palaces though we may roam, Be it ever so humble there’s no place like home!" ~ John Howard Payne
30. The harder the conflict, the more glorious the triumph.
31. Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. ~*~ Luther Burbank
32. Football: A game when 22 big, strong players runaround like crazy for two hours while millions of people who really need the exercise sit and
watch.
33. Here's to love - the only fire for which there is no insurance. -- author unknown
34. "Once in his life, every man is entitled to fall in love with a gorgeous redhead." Lucille Ball
35. Amoraphobia:- Fear of love. A minute of love is better than a lifetime without it. Even if you lose it later on, the fragrance and memories of a moment of love itself is enough to sweeten up your whole life. So dare to love and learn to let go.
36. Power is the ability to do good things for others. ~ Brooke Astor
37. Anger is a condition in which the tongue works faster than the mind.
38. For every minute you are angry with someone, you lose 60 seconds of happiness that you can never get back. Have a wonderful days ahead...
39. You are strong... when you take your grief and teach it to smile.
40. Caffeine increases the power of aspirin and other painkillers, that is why it is found in some medicines.
41. “A diet is the penalty we pay for exceeding the feed limit.” ~ Author Unknown
42. “The cardiologist’s diet: If it tastes good, spit it out”. –Author Unknown
43. It's not how much you have, it's how much you enjoy what you have.
44. Success is getting what you want. Happiness is wanting what you get.
45. It is safer to have a good enemy than a bad friend.
46. Those who contemplate the beauty of the earth find reserves of strength that will endure as long as life lasts.--Rachel Carson
47. The teacher wrote on the blackboard, “I ain’t had no fun all summer.” “Now Paul,” she said. “What shall I do to correct this?” “Get a boy friend.” Paul replied.
48. "Flowers....are a proud assertion that a ray of beauty out values all the utilities of the world." --Ralph Wadlo Emerson
49. Life Expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon. --Doug Larson, cartoonist
50. There is nothing wrong with today's teenager that twenty years won't cure.
51. Teacher: Now, you must not say, “I ain’t goin’.” You should say, “I am not going, he is not going; we are not going; they are not going.” Student: Wow! Ain’t nobody goin’ then?
52. "My grandkids know that what happens at Nana's stays at Nana's." --unknown
Source: Internet
2. Nothing hurts more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the heck are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Mapquest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.
13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this -- ever.
15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Darn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
18.My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the heck do I respond to that?
19. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
20. Friends are like four leaf clovers, hard to find, lucky to have.
21. "If we ever forget that we are one nation under God, then we will be a nation gone under."- Ronald Reagan
22. A fool thinks himself to be wise, but a wise man knows himself to be a fool.
--William Shakespeare
23. If you are ashamed to stand by your colors, you had better seek another flag. -- Author Unknown
24. I like to see a man proud of the place in which he lives. I like to see a man live so that his place will be proud of him. ---Abraham Lincoln
25. "The government is best which governs least." - Thomas Paine
26. "The heart is to the body, as the family is to the soul." ~ Rick Beneteau
27. Our families are the safety net that catches us when we fall. They are our sanctuary in a storm. They are the beacon showing us the way home when we're lost."
~ Linda Offenheiser
28. "So much of what is great has sprung from the closeness of family ties." Sir Thomas M. Barrie
29. "'Mid pleasures and palaces though we may roam, Be it ever so humble there’s no place like home!" ~ John Howard Payne
30. The harder the conflict, the more glorious the triumph.
31. Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. ~*~ Luther Burbank
32. Football: A game when 22 big, strong players runaround like crazy for two hours while millions of people who really need the exercise sit and
watch.
33. Here's to love - the only fire for which there is no insurance. -- author unknown
34. "Once in his life, every man is entitled to fall in love with a gorgeous redhead." Lucille Ball
35. Amoraphobia:- Fear of love. A minute of love is better than a lifetime without it. Even if you lose it later on, the fragrance and memories of a moment of love itself is enough to sweeten up your whole life. So dare to love and learn to let go.
36. Power is the ability to do good things for others. ~ Brooke Astor
37. Anger is a condition in which the tongue works faster than the mind.
38. For every minute you are angry with someone, you lose 60 seconds of happiness that you can never get back. Have a wonderful days ahead...
39. You are strong... when you take your grief and teach it to smile.
40. Caffeine increases the power of aspirin and other painkillers, that is why it is found in some medicines.
41. “A diet is the penalty we pay for exceeding the feed limit.” ~ Author Unknown
42. “The cardiologist’s diet: If it tastes good, spit it out”. –Author Unknown
43. It's not how much you have, it's how much you enjoy what you have.
44. Success is getting what you want. Happiness is wanting what you get.
45. It is safer to have a good enemy than a bad friend.
46. Those who contemplate the beauty of the earth find reserves of strength that will endure as long as life lasts.--Rachel Carson
47. The teacher wrote on the blackboard, “I ain’t had no fun all summer.” “Now Paul,” she said. “What shall I do to correct this?” “Get a boy friend.” Paul replied.
48. "Flowers....are a proud assertion that a ray of beauty out values all the utilities of the world." --Ralph Wadlo Emerson
49. Life Expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon. --Doug Larson, cartoonist
50. There is nothing wrong with today's teenager that twenty years won't cure.
51. Teacher: Now, you must not say, “I ain’t goin’.” You should say, “I am not going, he is not going; we are not going; they are not going.” Student: Wow! Ain’t nobody goin’ then?
52. "My grandkids know that what happens at Nana's stays at Nana's." --unknown
Source: Internet
Political Correctness
Definition of Political correctness, " Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical, liberal minority and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end."
Source: Internet
Source: Internet
Funny Things My Dad Said..,
Read the Label
A three-year-old boy went with his father to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother that there were 2 boy kitties and 2 girl kitties.
"How do you know?" his mother asked.
"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied, "I think it's printed on the bottom."
(Letter To Dad)
Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love,
Your $on
(Dad's Reply)
Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Top ten things you'll never hear a dad say.
10. Well, how 'bout that? I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions.
9. You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun?
8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain hostile attitude. I like that.
7. Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car. GO CRAZY!!
6. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating's not good enough for you, son?
5. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend. You might want to consider throwing a party.
4. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey
thingies--ya know--that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.
3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring. Now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall.
2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.
1. What do I want for my birthday? Aahh -- don't worry about that. It's no big deal. (Okay, they might say it. But they don't mean it)
Source: Internet
A three-year-old boy went with his father to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother that there were 2 boy kitties and 2 girl kitties.
"How do you know?" his mother asked.
"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied, "I think it's printed on the bottom."
(Letter To Dad)
Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love,
Your $on
(Dad's Reply)
Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Top ten things you'll never hear a dad say.
10. Well, how 'bout that? I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions.
9. You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun?
8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain hostile attitude. I like that.
7. Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car. GO CRAZY!!
6. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating's not good enough for you, son?
5. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend. You might want to consider throwing a party.
4. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey
thingies--ya know--that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.
3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring. Now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall.
2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.
1. What do I want for my birthday? Aahh -- don't worry about that. It's no big deal. (Okay, they might say it. But they don't mean it)
Source: Internet
My Father When I Was...,
4 years old
"My daddy can do anything."
5 years old
"My daddy knows a whole lot."
6 years old
"My dad is smarter than your dad."
8 years old
"My dad doesn't know exactly everything."
10 years old
"In the olden days when my dad grew up, things were sure different."
12 years old
"Oh well! Naturally, Dad doesn't know anything about that. He is too old to remember his childhood."
14 years old
"Don't pay any attention to my dad. He is so old-fashioned!"
21 years old
"Him? My Lord, he's hopelessly out-of-date!"
25 years old
"Dad knows a little bit about it, but then he should because he's been around for so long."
30 years old
"Maybe we should ask dad what he thinks."
35 years old
"I'm not doing a single thing until I talk to Dad."
40 years old
"I wonder how Dad would have handled it. He was so wise and had a world of experience."
50 years old
"I'd give anything if Dad were here now so I could talk this over with him. Too bad I didn't appreciate how smart he was. I could have learned a lot from him."
~ Ann Landers ~
When I was a boy of 14, My father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have The old man around.
But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much The old man had learned in seven years.
~ Mark Twain ~
Source: Internet
"My daddy can do anything."
5 years old
"My daddy knows a whole lot."
6 years old
"My dad is smarter than your dad."
8 years old
"My dad doesn't know exactly everything."
10 years old
"In the olden days when my dad grew up, things were sure different."
12 years old
"Oh well! Naturally, Dad doesn't know anything about that. He is too old to remember his childhood."
14 years old
"Don't pay any attention to my dad. He is so old-fashioned!"
21 years old
"Him? My Lord, he's hopelessly out-of-date!"
25 years old
"Dad knows a little bit about it, but then he should because he's been around for so long."
30 years old
"Maybe we should ask dad what he thinks."
35 years old
"I'm not doing a single thing until I talk to Dad."
40 years old
"I wonder how Dad would have handled it. He was so wise and had a world of experience."
50 years old
"I'd give anything if Dad were here now so I could talk this over with him. Too bad I didn't appreciate how smart he was. I could have learned a lot from him."
~ Ann Landers ~
When I was a boy of 14, My father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have The old man around.
But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much The old man had learned in seven years.
~ Mark Twain ~
Source: Internet
Fatherly Advise
"QUOTES"
The great man is he who does not lose his child's heart ..
A Father is not someone to lean on,
but someone who makes leaning unnecessary.
To be in your child's memories tomorrow ...
you have to be in their lives today.
Fathers learn a lot from children about coping with life.
You can learn many things from children ...
how much patience you have, for instance.
SOME FATHERLY ADVICE AND WORDS OF WISDOM
(Do Any Of These Sound Familiar To You?)
"Were you raised in a barn? Close the door!"
"Big boys don't cry."
"Now you listen to me, Buster!"
"A little dirt never hurt anyone ... just wipe it off."
"You call that a haircut?"
"This will hurt me a lot more than it will hurt you."
"Don't give me any of your lip, young lady."
"As long as you live under my roof ...
you'll live by my rules."
"What's so funny? Wipe that smile off your face!"
"Eat it! It will grow hair on your chest."
"Stop crying or I'll give you a reason to cry!"
"You have it so easy ... when I was your age...
I had to walk to school in 10 feet of snow
up hill both ways."
"What do you think I am ... a bank?"
"If you break your leg, don't come running to me."
Source: Internet
The great man is he who does not lose his child's heart ..
A Father is not someone to lean on,
but someone who makes leaning unnecessary.
To be in your child's memories tomorrow ...
you have to be in their lives today.
Fathers learn a lot from children about coping with life.
You can learn many things from children ...
how much patience you have, for instance.
SOME FATHERLY ADVICE AND WORDS OF WISDOM
(Do Any Of These Sound Familiar To You?)
"Were you raised in a barn? Close the door!"
"Big boys don't cry."
"Now you listen to me, Buster!"
"A little dirt never hurt anyone ... just wipe it off."
"You call that a haircut?"
"This will hurt me a lot more than it will hurt you."
"Don't give me any of your lip, young lady."
"As long as you live under my roof ...
you'll live by my rules."
"What's so funny? Wipe that smile off your face!"
"Eat it! It will grow hair on your chest."
"Stop crying or I'll give you a reason to cry!"
"You have it so easy ... when I was your age...
I had to walk to school in 10 feet of snow
up hill both ways."
"What do you think I am ... a bank?"
"If you break your leg, don't come running to me."
Source: Internet
An American Flag
Between the fields where the flag is planted, there are 9+ miles of flower
fields that go all the way to the ocean. The flowers are grown by seed
companies. It's a beautiful place, close to Vandenberg AFB. Check out
the dimensions of the flag. The Floral Flag is 740 feet long and 390 feet
wide and maintains the proper Flag dimensions, as described in Executive
Order #10834. This Flag is 6.65 acres and is the first Floral Flag to be
planted with 5 pointed Stars, comprised of White Larkspur. Each Star is
24 feet in diameter; each Stripe is 30 feet wide. This Flag is estimated to
contain more than 400,000 Larkspur plants, with 4-5 flower stems each,
for a total of more than 2 million flowers.
For our soldiers....
Source: Internet
Rockin' Bumper Stickers
A messy car is a happy car. This car is delirious.
Honk if anything falls off.
Use caution in passing. Driver chewing tobacco.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
He who hesitates is not only lost, but miles from the next exit.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
Anybody going slower than you is an idiot. Anybody going faster than you is a maniac.
Car service: If it ain't broke,we'll fix it until it is.
Belt that kid of yours. It's the law.
Honk if you support tax cuts for the rich.
Disregard last bumper sticker.
I couldn't repair your brakes so I made your horn louder.
Take the mystery out of driving. Use your turn signal.
I may be driving slow, but I'm in front of you.
Upon advice of counsel, my bumper bears no message at this time.
Source: Internet
Honk if anything falls off.
Use caution in passing. Driver chewing tobacco.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
He who hesitates is not only lost, but miles from the next exit.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
Anybody going slower than you is an idiot. Anybody going faster than you is a maniac.
Car service: If it ain't broke,we'll fix it until it is.
Belt that kid of yours. It's the law.
Honk if you support tax cuts for the rich.
Disregard last bumper sticker.
I couldn't repair your brakes so I made your horn louder.
Take the mystery out of driving. Use your turn signal.
I may be driving slow, but I'm in front of you.
Upon advice of counsel, my bumper bears no message at this time.
Source: Internet
God's Most Perfect Gift
There's a miracle of friendship
That dwells within the heart
And you don't know how it happens
Or where it gets its starts
But the happiness it brings you
Always gives a special lift
And you realize that friendship is
God's most perfect gift.
Source: Internet
That dwells within the heart
And you don't know how it happens
Or where it gets its starts
But the happiness it brings you
Always gives a special lift
And you realize that friendship is
God's most perfect gift.
Source: Internet
Happiness
True happiness may be sought, caught, or thought, But never bought.
Happiness is the result of being too busy to be unhappy.
No one can define happiness. You have to be unhappy to understand it.
Genuine happiness is when a wife sees a double chin on her husband's old girlfriend.
Happiness does not come from what you have. But what you are.
Happiness is where you find it and seldom where you seek it.
Happiness is home brewed.
The surest path to happiness is in losing yourself in a cause greater than yourself.
The place to be happy is here, the time to be happy is now, the way to be happy is to
make others so.
Source: Internet
Happiness is the result of being too busy to be unhappy.
No one can define happiness. You have to be unhappy to understand it.
Genuine happiness is when a wife sees a double chin on her husband's old girlfriend.
Happiness does not come from what you have. But what you are.
Happiness is where you find it and seldom where you seek it.
Happiness is home brewed.
The surest path to happiness is in losing yourself in a cause greater than yourself.
The place to be happy is here, the time to be happy is now, the way to be happy is to
make others so.
Source: Internet
Touch My Heart
Touch my heart and I'll touch yours
With a gentle word or two,
For kindness bears the sweetest fruit
That makes our dreams come true.
A friend stands by
when storm clouds fly
She's there through
thick and thin.
And when you really
need some help
she even steps right in!
Happiness is having
you for a friend!
Source: Internet
With a gentle word or two,
For kindness bears the sweetest fruit
That makes our dreams come true.
A friend stands by
when storm clouds fly
She's there through
thick and thin.
And when you really
need some help
she even steps right in!
Happiness is having
you for a friend!
Source: Internet
Watch Your Words
Oh Lord, Please make my words sweet and tender,
For tomorrow...
I may have to eat them.
Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don't have a leg to stand on.
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.
It is better to keep your mouth shut, and look like a fool, than to open your mouth, and remove all doubt.
If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
Source: Internet
For tomorrow...
I may have to eat them.
Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don't have a leg to stand on.
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.
It is better to keep your mouth shut, and look like a fool, than to open your mouth, and remove all doubt.
If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
Source: Internet
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