Advice For The New Year

Always do right. This will gratify some people
and astonish the rest....Mark Twain

Always keep your words soft and sweet,
just in case you have to eat them.

Be like a postage stamp -
stick to one thing until you get there.

Be true to your teeth, or they'll be false to you.

Be wary of strong drink.
It can make you shoot at tax collectors, and miss.

 

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes.
That way you're a mile away, and you have their shoes too. 

Cooking lesson #1: don't fry bacon in the nude.

  

Drive carefully.
It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.

Eat a live toad in the morning and nothing worse
will happen to you for the rest of the day.

Eat your spinach and you'll grow up big and strong like Popeye.
You'll also end up with a girlfriend that looks like Olive Oyl.

 

Growl all day and you'll be dog tired at night.

 

If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!

 

If you and your friend are being chased by a grizzly bear, 
don't worry about out-running the bear, 
just worry about out-running your friend.

 

If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again,
it was probably worth it.

 

If you think nobody cares if you're alive,
try missing a couple of car payments.

If you think your wife's jewelry is an investment,
try selling a few pieces.

 

It is better to keep your mouth shut,
and look like a fool, than to open your mouth,
and remove all doubt.

 

It's nice to be important,
but more important to be nice.

 

It's always darkest before dawn.
So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper,
that's the time to do it

 

Take the time to be right.
It's faster than being wrong.

The easiest way to find something lost around
the house is to buy a replacement

 

Work like you don't need the money.

Love like you've never been hurt.
Dance like nobody is looking.